I Was In A Sexless Marriage When My Husband Left Me For Another Man… Now 60, Ive Discovered The Secret To The Best Sex Of My Life

Katy Perry’s biggest hit swam through Alisa Kriegel’s mind as she reached out and kissed the naked woman next to her.

This was, admittedly, new territory for the 49-year-old, recently separated from her husband of 25 years.

Robert – her college sweetheart and best friend – had come out as gay a couple of years earlier and ended the marriage, having fallen head over heels for another man.

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Kriegel had, understandably, been left floundering.

A busy New York therapist approaching 50, she’d come to accept the fact that their marriage had been almost entirely sexless. Surely it was enough that you loved and respected your life partner?

Now newly single – emotionally crushed, struggling with self-esteem, and utterly lacking in sexual confidence – she limped onto the dating scene.

Determined to push her boundaries – and prioritize her own pleasure for the first time in her life – her cautious but curious exploration became a wildly liberating adventure during which she experimented with swinging, a little ‘light BDSM’, sex with a much younger man, sex in public, and even an occasional dabble in cocaine and MDMA.

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It’s also how she ended up in a New York sex club taking part in a foursome, locking lips with a girl she’d met just a few hours earlier.

And she liked it.

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‘It was as if I had fallen down a rabbit hole into a world where nothing was as I had known and everything was surreal and new,’ she wrote in her new book, From Sexless Marriage to Sex Goddess.

‘Although truth be told, I didn’t fall at all. I jumped.’

She had met Michael – her partner at the sex club (they eventually participated in three sex parties together) – online, and connected because his wife had left him for another woman.

‘So,’ Kriegel told The Daily Mail, ‘I think we both had very similar situations of not feeling desired and being very curious about what’s out there.’

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He had been especially curious about sex clubs, so Kriegel joined him, game to try anything at least once.

‘It was a little strange,’ she said, ‘and a little scary, but I had a partner who was so excited to do this, and was, at least in the beginning, super caring.’

Her biggest surprise, she said, was that no one at the sex club actually has to have sex.

‘When I first walked in, I was like, “This is wild.”

‘There were naked people walking around. And there was a dark “orgy room” on the first floor that had blurred windows, so you couldn’t clearly see what was going on without going inside. I didn’t feel ready to venture in.

‘But,’ she added, ‘there’s no pressure. You can justsit and watch if you want, or just be with your partner.

‘It’s probably one of the most respectful environments, it’s completely consensual, and no one is asking you to do anything you don’t want to do.’

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From the beginning, she treated dating not as a means to falling in love, but like one big experiment. What did she like? What did she not like? What was a massive ick?

‘I was so terrified of getting attached and being hurt again that I thought non-monogamy would be protective.

‘It became an exploration of what I like, not just sexually, but in relationships, and what I like in a partner. I had, at one time, three, four different men… but none of them were really the whole package yet.’

And, while she was open than many might be to certain sexual experiences, there were some situations that were a hard no.

‘I remember in some of the initial chats, there were some men who clearly liked rougher, hardcore BDSM (Bondage, Discipline, Dominance, Submission, Sadism, and Masochism) – that made me very uncomfortable so I didn’t go there.’

She was also deeply uncomfortable with the kind of baby talk some men wanted to indulge in.

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‘I remember one man, during our first sexual encounter, he was doing the whole, “Are you a naughty girl?” And I’m like, “I’m a 50-year-old woman. I’m not a naughty girl.”

‘It just doesn’t do it for me. It was a total ick moment.’

But at the heart of the hundreds of text conversations, dates, and sexual encounters was one burning question: can we really have long-term love AND a passionate sex life?

Now approaching 60, she can wholeheartedly say: Yes.

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She is, she said, in the healthiest relationship of her life, living with a man who ‘experiments’ with her, as a couple.

‘We swing when we have the time,’ she clarified.

‘It was such a mission of mine, having had so much love and affection in my marriage, but not passion and desire.

‘And what I think keeps it going is also that we both prioritize sex as a big part of our relationship.’

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However, she’s convinced that none of this would have been possible had she not had the adventures she described in the book, because it took those experiences to get to fully know herself.

And that’s the one piece advice she would give anyone embarking on a new emotional chapter.

‘Know yourself – really be open and experiment, get back in touch with your body, sexually, but also just doing things that you love, and figuring out what makes you feel good, what makes you feel pampered and loved.’

Writing in the book, she compared learning about her body to car mechanics: ‘Before I started driving as a teenager, I thought I should know how a car worked so that I could be independent, make repairs if things went wrong on the road, or know enough not to get ripped off by mechanics.

‘With sex, I wasn’t taking any chances. I didn’t want to rely on anyone else to check under the hood and get my motor purring, so to speak. I wanted to know how I worked and be able to figure out my own pleasure first.’

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So she read erotica, researched sex toys, ‘pushed through the shame and guilt as best I could,’ until she finally felt ready for sex with a ‘real, in-the-flesh man.’

She also discovered the unexpectedly sensual pastime of hula-hooping.

‘That was a phenomenal surprise,’ she said. ‘You can’t rush it, you can’t push it, you just have to feel it.’

In the process, she rejected all the ‘rules’ around dating.

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‘If you want to have sex with someone on a first date, go for it,’ she said. ‘And if you don’t, that’s OK.

‘If you want to date multiple people, that’s great. And if you want to just find one person who you enjoy, that’s fine. Find what’s comfortable and what works for you.

‘And don’t be afraid to push on your comfort zone a little bit,’ she added, ‘see where it takes you.’

From Sexless Marriage to Sex Goddess: A Memoir by Alisa Kriegel is published by She Writes Press

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