Sitting on the Tube after an exhausting Friday at work, I dreaded going into my empty flat. My boyfriend of nearly a decade had walked out a few days earlier and I’d been on autopilot ever since, staying late at the office to avoid the horrible, echoey silence that awaited me at home.

But now it was Friday – meaning a whole weekend loomed ahead.

My colleagues at the social media company where I worked as an accounts manager had gone out for drinks. But as I’d just become solely responsible for my £1,000-a-month rent, I couldn’t afford to join.

I needed something to fill the void, to make me feel better. Then 30 years old, a cheap bottle of wine just wasn’t going to cut it.

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But there was something I could afford. And as soon as I had unlocked the door and thrown my bag down in the hallway, I walked straight to the bedroom to open the wardrobe and find the cardboard box I’d ordered on Amazon a few weeks earlier.

The box contained 500 small silver canisters of nitrous oxide gas I had purchased that week in 2017 for £40 – the same price as a really small bag of cocaine at the time.

I grabbed one and released the gas into a balloon that came with the box. Once it was full, I raised the balloon to my lips and breathed in the gas.

The high was immediate. I felt heady and light, like the misery and stress of the week had floated away.

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Most people associate nitrous oxide – or laughing gas as it’s commonly known – with students and youths. It’s the affordable party drug of choice for 16 to 24-year-olds. You’ve probably seen the aftermath of empty silver canisters littering parks and festival sites.

The clear, colourless gas is formally used as pain relief in medical settings as well as in the catering industry, where it is used to whip cream.

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But many people – even respectable, professional women in their 30s like me – use it for a small, cheap ‘buzz’ to get an evening under way.

The common misconception is that it’s harmless. My friends and I saw it as no controversial than a cocktail – but research has shown that couldn’t be further from the truth.

Heavy use can block the body’s take-up of vitamin B12, which is essential for maintaining the nervous system, leaving people with nerve-related bladder or bowel problems and incontinence, which can be permanent if not treated quickly.

There were 62 deaths between 2001 and 2021 registered in England and Wales where nitrous oxide was on the death certificate.

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The past few years have also seen a huge increase in the number of drug-driving cases involving nitrous oxide.

Amid this growing concern, it became illegal to possess nitrous oxide gas in 2023 and those who repeatedly misuse it face up to two years in prison. Dealers can also face 14 years behind bars as the gas became a controlled Class C drug under the Misuse of Drugs Act 1971.

But eight years ago when I was dabbling, it was still legal to buy and possess the gas, and easy to order online – although parcels often went missing, likely stolen by postal workers, I suspect, who heard the distinctive ‘clink’.

While my first balloon that weekend after my ex left gave the hit I needed, the effects wore off in just a few minutes. That would normally be enough – but I had a lonely, depressing night ahead.

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So I took another one. Then another. I carried on with balloon after balloon, barely sleeping as I chased the next high through the night. Shockingly, I got through all 500 canisters in two days.

That Sunday night I ordered some for the week ahead. Every evening after work, I would only just get my coat off before reaching for a canister. My health began to suffer within weeks.

I started developing pounding headaches and could barely get out of bed and go to work. I wasn’t looking after myself or eating properly at all.

Once, I remember my phone ringing and not knowing how to answer it. I couldn’t speak.

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On Monday mornings, after a heavy weekend on balloons, I’d avoid conversations or meetings because my brain couldn’t cope. It felt like the cells had died. The effects were devastating.

If my colleagues noticed, they probably thought I was having a hard time with my break-up and drinking too much. No one would have suspected I was secretly addicted to nitrous oxide.

Because that’s what it was – an addiction. It’s the most addictive substance I have ever tried.

After just one hit, I found it impossible to stop. I tried to keep it a secret from all my friends and family. One time when a relative came to stay, I’d even sneak off to the toilet with a canister. She likely suspected something was off but didn’t say anything.

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However, friends soon worked out that something was terribly wrong; I was thin, pale, sickly and distant and could rarely be persuaded to leave the flat.

‘We’re worried about you,’ they said. ‘You’re not fun any .’

Yet still I didn’t listen. The one person who did get through to me, ironically, was the last person I would expect – my ex.

He’d agreed to stay at the flat to look after our cat while I was away on holiday. There, he found drawers and drawers of empty canisters that I was too embarrassed to put out in my rubbish.

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His face was grave as he left. ‘You’re going to die,’ he said to me. ‘You’ve got to get help.’ It was then that I phoned the NHS mental health crisis line.

I was referred to two free services called Change Grow Live and SMART Recovery – both accessible than rehab.

I’m told if anyone is in a similar situation today, they should call 111 and ask for services that can help in their area.

I was seen at a local centre the same week where they did a full medical exam. It found that my vitamin B12 levels were shockingly low – which could explain my lethargy – and I was put on extra strong supplements.

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I carried on working. I needed to earn the money but could do the courses around work. Only occasionally did I take time off as holiday or ‘for an appointment’.

The SMART Recovery group meetings were a lifesaver, there was no waiting list and there are options to join online.

The power of the group was incredible. There were around six to ten people who had battled all kinds of addictions – heroin, sex or nitrous oxide gas like me – and they were all ages and both sexes. There was no judgment and the honesty was liberating.

It gave me hope. I heard stories of people who had battled their addictions for decades and turned their lives around.

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It was through hearing other people’s experiences that I didn’t feel so alone. I was able to let go of my shame and gradually start to replace my negative coping mechanisms with positive rituals, self-care and healing.

I admit I did relapse a few times. But when I did, I would go back to the group meetings and get back on track.

Within three months, my health was back to normal, my vitamin B levels were up and I felt in control.

A couple of years ago I went to a festival and saw a shocking amount of people taking nitrous oxide – often from large canisters rather than the little silver bullet-shaped ones I used to buy.

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All you could hear was the hiss of balloons being filled up and it looked like a Zombie apocalypse. Those using the gas were lolling around with their eyes rolling back – I found it terrifying that so many people were still doing it.

I want all these young people to know just how dangerous their behaviour is. Laughing gas may seem like a less ‘serious’ drug than the likes of cocaine or ecstasy, but in fact it’s just as risky and addictive.

Now aged 37, I haven’t touched the stuff for years and my life is amazing and fulfilling than I could have ever imagined was possible. I’ve changed jobs and I’m loving my life.

I take comfort in art therapy, so when I need to feel better if I’m low, I will simply turn to painting or have a lovely hot bath with bath salts.

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I want people to know that healing is possible. It may seem scary to admit you have a problem, and scarier still to ask for help, but it is the best thing I have ever done. It is hard, but it is so, so worth it. Now I feel no shame, only strength.

Frankey Onson is a pseudonym. All identifying details have been changed.

AS TOLD TO JILL FOSTER